hard truths

So I hit myself hard this morning, as already I've been slacking off in my goals.

I bought a Good Health magazine last night as it had a 6 week food diary attached to it, I think by writing down absolutely everything I eat and forcing myself to look at it, it will have a good affect on me. Goal-wise. At the start of the diary you need to record your weight and body measurements from week 1 until week 6, obviously watching it drop. I have to say, I could cry and sob and be so upset with myself, but yeah, I'm at the heaviest I've ever been in my entire life. My bust and waist are the same size and my hips are 17cms bigger, not ideal. I have the bone structure to have bust and hips the same size and waist smaller, so this will be another goal, to achieve my hourglass figure back.

Sigh, I'm going through a lot of emotional things at the moment and it's really hitting me hard. I think since my fiance told me issues we're having is due to weight gain, it's really crushed all the self respect and confidence I had. Whenever I reach out to him he pushes me away, and it just kills me. I feel like I wont be attractive to him again until I've lost all the weight. This is stupid and shallow, but it honestly feels true.

He is leaving on Thursday and staying with a 35 yr old Flight attendant in Perth before I can come over. I trust him with my life and wouldn't even blink to think he would cheat on me. But the thought of MY man living with another woman (who is obviously thin and beautiful as all flight attendants are) whom he gets along with pretty well (from what I've heard in conversations, they have common interests), yeah it's a blow to my confidence. I know he isn't going to leave me, cheat on me, or even think about anything to do with things like that. I'm the one with a ring on my engagement finger for gods sake!!!

You just gotta understand, it makes me cry and feel uneasy.

See? No confidence.

I think this year it's going to be a lot of self-healing and getting my confidence back. I am a pretty amazing woman, but I put myself down a lot. I can talk the talk, but no way walk the walk.

Yeah quite a few of my fiancé's friends think I'm an awesome chick and would gladly step into his place, this is a slight confidence boost, but still not enough to fix my emotional issues.

We were out on the weekend in some clubs and I could not even bring myself to smile as I was surrounded by skinny beautiful women. Just because they were beautiful on the outside, doesn't mean they were on the inside Marianne! At least I have an amazing and beautiful inside, so I guess I've started from the inside out, I just need to believe and trust myself that I can be that way on the outside as well.

So after weighing and measuring myself, I need to re-evaluate my goals.

By December 2012 I want to weigh in at 60-65kgs, and fit into a size 12 bikini.

Which means I actually need to lose 30-35kgs, yes you heard it right, and go down 4 dress sizes.

You know it can be done, look at people like Jennifer Hudson, yeah she had support from Jenny Craig, but she did it! If she can do it, then I can, and I will.

I'm thinking that by being completely open with the world, I can't hide myself anymore. I don't want to hide, I want help. The only way you can get help is if you ask. Therefore if I'm ever out with you, please don't encourage me to eat bad things, support me and suggest that new salad bar, or a fun activity that involves exercise, rather than shopping for clothing that wont fit me. Ultimately making me more depressed about my weight.

So there you have it. Sigh.