more motivation

motivation

I am meant to be healthy.

Second weigh day

So I weighed myself this morning, I've lost another kilo, not as good as I'd hoped, but then again I haven't been working out as much.

I really need to work on my determination, because this morning when my alarm went off, I went back to sleep. I feel very guilty and am mad at myself, but by the time I woke up later in the morning it was way too hot to go out for a walk.

I know this is a long term battle, I don't want to be like The Biggest Loser and force myself to work out for 6 hours a day to lose my weight in a couple of months. Mainly because you can put it back on (and more) as you haven't done it slowly and totally turned your life around.

I want this to be a life change, not just a weight loss. I want to kick my sugar addiction and transform my life!!! I want to eat healthy fresh meals every day, and when I'm put in a situation to eat something not so healthy, not panic and think about instant weight gain, but to think about how awesome it's going to be to work it off at the gym.

I've been following this wonderful girls blog, and she is really helping me in accepting myself and also in how to dress for my shape and size. http://fullerfigurefullerbust.wordpress.com/

She just posted a photo of her friend on FB saying about how she thinks this is the perfect size for a woman, and I have to agree!

http://www.hughesmodels.co.uk/14+DIVISION/LauraGoodwin.html

I am looking forward to looking like this by winter!

And look like this by December 2012, a size 12, ready for my bikini photo!

http://www.hughesmodels.co.uk/10+DIVISION/DeborahAnnGaetano.html

As my fiance says I should look forward to being a "sex kitten" rather than when I say "I can't wait to be beautiful", because you know what? I already am beautiful :)

things are moving along

Went to Kmart today and bought an entire week's worth of clothing for gym wear, that way I won't be washing every couple of days for new gym clothes. Only spent $70 :)

This is on my fridge

So that every time I go to open it, I make the right choices. Not that I have junk food in my fridge, but I'm sure I could make something naughty from the things in my cupboard. I also have a small note in my wallet saying "DONT GET FAT" which helps too!

This is my goal body weight and look. Beyonce and I have a similar body shape, so it's a pretty realistic goal to have. I can't wait :)

feeling determined

So I started today with an awesome workout, I power walked 4.8kms and it only took me 45mins! New record as last time I did it, it took about 1 hour. Pretty happy about that however, when I got home I think I suffered some heat exhaustion and possibly pushed myself too hard. I had to lay down on the couch for close to 2 hours before I felt ok again to get up. Even now I still have a headache!

So something I've learnt - don't push yourself beyond your limits and don't go walking when it's already 32 degrees outside at 7:30am.

My new sports bra, I have to say is amazing. It honestly felt like I had no weight on my chest at all! This was amazing and so comfortable. Definitely a great purchase!

It's really strange how in such a short space of time, the difference I'm feeling already. I'm not bloated after meals, I feel full but not like I've eaten too much. I don't get sleepy after meals anymore, and I seem to be able to stay awake longer. Just my health in general has improved so much, by just eating healthy and doing some exercise. I really look forward to being so fit, I really really do.

This was my breakfast this morning after my walk

The days that I work nights I try and cook myself an egg meal for breakfast, to really pump myself with protein. I'm really into adding baby spinach and cherry tomatoes also. Bought fresh from local growers at the Gepps Cross markets on Sunday.

I'm having a very bipolar feeling at the moment. Sometimes I have good moments but just one small thing needs to happen and it turns into a bad moment. Like today for example, I was on a huge high from exercise and feeling determined and I decided to watch a movie before work. I read a very small description of the movie "An Education" not really knowing what it was about. By the end of the movie I was crying heavily and back to square one with missing my fiance. I guess it's better that it's coming in waves now, rather than just a constant sadness, but still. I hate feeling like this, it's like I'm single again, like he's left me here in Adelaide and taken off to another state. Which he basically has, except we're not broken up. I need to repeat this to myself over and over and over and over again, cos I'm going fucking insane. We both know the sooner I go over there the better, for both of our sanity's.

So right now I'm going to curl up on the couch and read the latest Australian Women's Health magazine and think about my gym ball workout tomorrow morning.

Gym things!

So a few things I've ordered online came today, for the gym!!

I bought myself this awesome Panache Bra :) It does state that it reduces movement by 83% but I still jiggle. I guess them's the breaks when you have a big bust! It's super comfy and has a clip at the back to turn into a razor back bra. Very happy with this purchase, and I down-sided in the cup size so it will last me quite awhile before I lose too much weight. Although in saying that when I was a size 8-10 in year 8 I still had a large bust!

My other purchase was this Gym bag! It's a nice large bag made with sturdy materials. I didn't want to spend too much, as I know you can spend hundreds on a gym bag. I like how the shoes are separated from the rest of your clothing, and you can put wet things in there as well. The only thing I don't like is there are no internal pockets, so I'm probably going to have to invest in a small bag to put inside for toiletries, ipod etc.

Anyway YAY, I'm going to test out my new bra tomorrow morning on my walk, so I'll report back with how it goes :)

Can I go to the gym NOW and not in a few weeks when I get to Perth? No? Ok I wait :)

first d-day

So today was my first d-day, weigh-in day.

I LOST 2KGS IN A WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I can keep this up or even increase it, I'll be well on my way to reaching my goal :)

Been feeling pretty shitty lately, but that's due to me being miserable about my fiance not being here. However the boost the scales gave me this morning has made me feel like I can do it, and will!

Time to run off and do lots of housework - which by the way is more exercise! weeee!!!

So I did some exercise today, I walked 5.6kms after work!

I walked fast enough to bring up a nice sweat on myself, which is good cos it's no point in exercising without sweating.

I was also carrying 3kgs of shopping on the way home, so that was difficult! I think next time I intend on doing that I'll take a back pack cos my arms and shoulders are killing me :(

Bought myself some yum healthy and fresh things from the markets, I'll make myself a nice broth with noodles, chicken and vegetables for dinner.

I think the only thing keeping me sane and not lonely at the moment is cooking. Or cleaning :P

I feel energised :D

So my fiance left today, I've been crying a lot and trying to distract myself.

I've been awake since roughly 2am and it's now 10pm at night, I swear I'm not tired.

Today I bought myself a pretty awesome digital scale for the kitchen. I'm so happy that I can control my portion sizes now and measure out each thing I'm eating. That way I'm not over-eating and wondering why I feel like a stuffed chicken after a meal.

So now I can control my diet a lot more, which makes me very happy :)

I should go to sleep as I have work at 7am, sigh.

MIA

So I've been missing in action these past couple of days, probably hanging my head in shame from eating small amounts of junk food. But hey, least I'm not bingeing!!!

I've been so busy lately as I've been organising my fiancé's departure. I think he's pretty much all set to go, just needs to pack his carry on luggage and he's set. Sad face, but it has to happen :(

I've hardly worked out, but I've been eating pretty ok. Pumped my stats into http://www.calorieking.com.au/ and found out I should be eating 1800 calories a day and exercising 60 mins per day to reach my goal of 10kgs by the end of Feb. Well sorry to say but it ain't happening, maybe 5-6kgs but not 10. I want to lose it slowly anyway so that it stays off a lot better, I've been told the first year after weight loss is always the hardest as your body re-adjusts. Therefore 2013 is going to be the strictest year ever!!! Then once my body has adjusted, then and ONLY THEN can I have very very small treats, and who knows I may get to that point and not even want them! That'd be the day :)

So I've set my alarm for 6:30am Saturday morning and I'm going to go for a 1-1.5 hour walk (fast paced) and really start hammering into this exercising.

YOU CAN DO EEEEEEEET!!!!!

hard truths

So I hit myself hard this morning, as already I've been slacking off in my goals.

I bought a Good Health magazine last night as it had a 6 week food diary attached to it, I think by writing down absolutely everything I eat and forcing myself to look at it, it will have a good affect on me. Goal-wise. At the start of the diary you need to record your weight and body measurements from week 1 until week 6, obviously watching it drop. I have to say, I could cry and sob and be so upset with myself, but yeah, I'm at the heaviest I've ever been in my entire life. My bust and waist are the same size and my hips are 17cms bigger, not ideal. I have the bone structure to have bust and hips the same size and waist smaller, so this will be another goal, to achieve my hourglass figure back.

Sigh, I'm going through a lot of emotional things at the moment and it's really hitting me hard. I think since my fiance told me issues we're having is due to weight gain, it's really crushed all the self respect and confidence I had. Whenever I reach out to him he pushes me away, and it just kills me. I feel like I wont be attractive to him again until I've lost all the weight. This is stupid and shallow, but it honestly feels true.

He is leaving on Thursday and staying with a 35 yr old Flight attendant in Perth before I can come over. I trust him with my life and wouldn't even blink to think he would cheat on me. But the thought of MY man living with another woman (who is obviously thin and beautiful as all flight attendants are) whom he gets along with pretty well (from what I've heard in conversations, they have common interests), yeah it's a blow to my confidence. I know he isn't going to leave me, cheat on me, or even think about anything to do with things like that. I'm the one with a ring on my engagement finger for gods sake!!!

You just gotta understand, it makes me cry and feel uneasy.

See? No confidence.

I think this year it's going to be a lot of self-healing and getting my confidence back. I am a pretty amazing woman, but I put myself down a lot. I can talk the talk, but no way walk the walk.

Yeah quite a few of my fiancé's friends think I'm an awesome chick and would gladly step into his place, this is a slight confidence boost, but still not enough to fix my emotional issues.

We were out on the weekend in some clubs and I could not even bring myself to smile as I was surrounded by skinny beautiful women. Just because they were beautiful on the outside, doesn't mean they were on the inside Marianne! At least I have an amazing and beautiful inside, so I guess I've started from the inside out, I just need to believe and trust myself that I can be that way on the outside as well.

So after weighing and measuring myself, I need to re-evaluate my goals.

By December 2012 I want to weigh in at 60-65kgs, and fit into a size 12 bikini.

Which means I actually need to lose 30-35kgs, yes you heard it right, and go down 4 dress sizes.

You know it can be done, look at people like Jennifer Hudson, yeah she had support from Jenny Craig, but she did it! If she can do it, then I can, and I will.

I'm thinking that by being completely open with the world, I can't hide myself anymore. I don't want to hide, I want help. The only way you can get help is if you ask. Therefore if I'm ever out with you, please don't encourage me to eat bad things, support me and suggest that new salad bar, or a fun activity that involves exercise, rather than shopping for clothing that wont fit me. Ultimately making me more depressed about my weight.

So there you have it. Sigh.

Write-off

Gosh. This weekend has effing sucked.

My head is hanging so low from guilt.

So much bad food and drink was consumed, I feel like I've gained weight.

I am still yet to weigh myself, every time I go to do it, I chicken out.

I'll try to do it tomorrow morning first thing, before my walk.

YES, I've already set my alarm for a walk at 5:30am tomorrow morning, the exercising begins.

No more shitty excuses, no more whining about sore muscles joints etc, just do it.

I can't wait for Perth so I can get a gym membership!!

I did however go to the Gepps Cross markets this morning and brought home lots of yummy veggies and fruit, so all I need to buy now is some chicken and I'm set for the week!

C'mon Marianne, get your act together.

Ughhhhhhhhh

I'm a bad bad girl :(

Just when I was doing so well, I fell, but I guess this was to be expected at the start.

Went out last night with my fiance for some farewell drinks, as he's leaving for Perth on Thursday.

I did have 4 beers, 2 of them being imperial pints, and boy did I pay the price this morning/afternoon with a shitty hangover. Bleghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

And just then I shoved 2 timtams into my mouth because I was craving them and felt like shit. Now I feel even more like shit :(

Ughh let's make a deal, no more alcohol until I'm officially moved to Perth and we can have a celebratory meal. Also from now on, one to two drinks max with 2 glasses of water in between.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhigodienow :(

Comfort eating

So the move to Perth is in motion, with my fiance leaving next Thursday to start his new job. Unfortunately I'm not leaving until approximately the end of February, so I'm going to be all alone for the next 6 weeks :(

The thought of the love of my life leaving me has given me to stressful grief, and usually when I'm stressed or upset, I comfort eat.

BUT I pushed through and had a small handful of grapes and put on a yummy lamb roast with roasted veggies for when he comes home from farewell drinks with some of his friends. Whenever I feel like comfort eating from now on I'm going to distract myself by doing something I love, probably cooking :P

YAY FOR ME TO NOT GIVING INNNNNNN and making my willpower stronger !!!

Awful (but delicious!) temptations

So today I went out with my family, into the world of temptations. One of the worst places to go for that - Ikea. Before you can even breathe in the food line cakes, slices, juice, soft drink and muffins are shoved in your face. I took a tray and hovered for awhile, wondering which one was the healthiest of the lot. However I was good, put the tray back and just got a coffee instead.

I did have a hotdog as I was exiting, but I've started out by cutting out the bad sugary things, and once I've overcome that, then I will cut out anything bad salty/savoury. That way I'm doing it gradually and retraining my brain to not crave or want junk food at all.

While I was at Ikea I did manage to find a perfect sized lunchbox for my packed lunches. I also bought one for my fiance so we can have matchy matchy lunches, awww how cute :)

I'm pretty proud of myself for not giving into temptation. The more I use my willpower the stronger it's becoming!

My first (mistake) workout

So I have been putting off my walking so far due to the uber high temperatures we're having here in Adelaide. I find no point in getting a gym membership as I'm probably only going to be in this state for another 2 months, when we relocate to Perth I think that's one of the first things I'm going to organise.

So this morning I had a minor (I swear it was minor) mishap in the laundry where my gorgeous red dress decided to bleed all over the other clothes. Including my fiances brand new white and red Ralph Lauren polo. EEEEEEEP!!!!

I actually half ran-half power walked to the nearest Woolworths, which is only 1.5kms away through the backstreets. I have to say though, there and back, I worked up quite a sweat, and it's only 25 degrees today so it's not like the sun was beating down that hard.

So there was my first accidental workout for the year, half running/half power walking 3kms!

Give me an hour and I could probably do it again, which is a good sign as I've made plans (once the weather has stopped being insane and above 40 degrees) to walk twice a day. I will get up at 5am to walk if it's going to be above 40 because then I'll walk just before sunrise, to avoid the heat and sunburn.

So as I sit here waiting for the miracle cure to fix the clothes, I smile and look forward to continuing my challenge :)

More explanations and venting

So another reason for me wanting to lose weight is obviously my wedding day. Everyone says it's the most important day in a girls life, and I wouldn't say it's THE most important, but to me it's one of them.

I am going to look back and remember this day for the rest of my life, I want to be able to look back and see how beautiful I looked, and feel proud and happy. Being a photographer I know I'm going to have lots of photos taken and have them around the house, therefore I want to be able to look at them and smile, not cringe because I was so over weight.

I know my fiance loves me, but it's gotten to the point where I feel like I embarrass him, and myself. Whenever we go out in public I see other skinnier beautiful women, and I know he wishes I looked more like them. Relationships aren't all about looks, but it does count to some degree. Another reason why I'm doing this is to improve my relationship. Most relationships do have serious problems because one or both of the people involved forget about looking after themselves and just deal with how the other person looks. I want to know that I'm going to be attractive to my fiance each and every day, because yeah, I don't want him to stray to something that is skinnier and more attractive because he's sick of waiting for me to change.

I don't want to be the girl with the awesome personality and cute face, I want to be the girl with the whole package.

I'm very glad I have made this blog, it's a way for me to vent and write down my feelings. It's a way for me to look back and see how unhappy I currently am. Where I started and where I'm going.

My friend Jude just said "Nothing tastes as good as feeling thin feels." so true.

I can do it.

Welcome to my new life!

Follow me on this year-long journey to creating the new me.

I know year after year I have always made resolutions to lose weight and create a better mind space, but I'm sick of not keeping promises.

My resolutions this year are -

Lose approx 20-25kgs

Be proud of who I am and what I look like

Kick my sugar addiction

Wear a bikini by December 2012

Bit much to ask for? I don't think so!

I have clothes in my wardrobe I've bought and held onto for years as "goal weight clothes", but yet I have still never been able to fit into them. It's gotten to the point in my life where I'm settling down and in a few years I want to have children. I want to be at the prime fitness at that point so I can bounce back quickly and have the energy to run after little ones.

I also want to die from old age, not from an illness or sickness I've gotten from being over weight or not looking after my health. So starting this journey is going to be a very large life changing experience.

First off I started with some inspirational reading to combat my sugar addiction

I have to say, I am not finished reading it. I'm one of those people who read read read then put a book down and don't touch it for a couple of weeks. I will continue reading and finish it though. So far in the book I have learnt a lot, reading labels correctly, finding out which is good and bad sugar etc. Also steps to take to cutting it out of your diet entirely. I have to admit, I don't do cold turkey well. Therefore I have gone with the "cutting out each week" plan, where each week I cut out something I would normally eat. I have stopped having that chocolate or sugary drink at work with my break, I have replaced it with iced water and some very low sugar yogurt or muesli bar. Going very well so far, although the other morning I witnessed myself stuffing a timtam into my mouth whilst standing at the fridge. Bad girl! But it's better to give into the small temptation at the start than ignore it, otherwise you can relapse hard and have a big binge, which is much worse than 1 timtam biscuit.

I started this resolution very well, on January 1st I started making packed lunches/dinners to take to work, so that I wouldn't be tempted to buy bad food. My lunches or dinners so far are only salads (I will start making other things once the weather cools down enough to cook), which kinda look like this -

It changes everyday with what I have in my fridge/pantry, but usually it's cucumber, tomato, capsicum, tuna, felafel and egg. I've been told that when losing weight you should make sure each meal has a protein in it, still trying to have protein with breakfast, but the other meals either i have a meat or tuna and eggs.

Another thing I learnt from my book is to make a motto on helping you along with your goal.

"Junk food doesn't make you beautiful, determination does."

I drum this into myself each day, and anytime I feel like eating something bad. It's going to be a long uphill struggle, but the more you use your will power, the stronger it gets.

I will get there.